Hey loves! If you follow me on social media you will see that I previously shared this short in It’s Major. But I thought I would share it here to those of you who don’t do the social media thing. Enjoy 💕🌻
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🌻Harsh Language 🌻
Out of all the nights for me to be left alone drowning in my own thoughts tonight would be the night that everyone lets me sulk in peace. New Years Eve. While everyone else is out celebrating, making love, and just enjoying all that love could be. I’m drowning in regret. I was once them but I foolishly let the man that I know I needed get away. By not nurturing my fruit once I saw it bud. I was too busy chasing a dream. A dream of a perfect man, one who provided all of the things I needed financially. While I had all of the things I needed materialistically, my heart and soul was in some serious debt. But yet my grown ass thought I had what I needed. But that’s not the case I was foolish in chasing what was right. If I’m being real that dream was securing my future or so I thought, but in no way was it worth me losing my heart. Tennyson was like cool summer rain on a beautiful Sunday morning. Refreshing, warm, and easy going. His stormy gray eyes, and tapered wooly beard plastered against his milk chocolate skin would make the hardest sinner turn saint just to be in the presence of perfection. He was my everything and nothing short of my muse for the paintings and portraits I created. What most didn’t realize is that all of my art pieced told a story, of story of how I once had a love so deep that I worshipped heaven and earth to keep it. I found it so deeply rooted in Jerusalem that I kept a cup for Jesus on my night stand. So how did I get here you ask? Pride, greed, and a stubborn heart. My ringing brings me out of my thoughts. Seeing it was a person I was currently ignoring my chill mood instantly changed. Life sure had a way of humbling you. The devil presented me with a beautifully wrapped package of everything I thought I wanted, and during the time when my flesh was at its weakest I jumped at that opportunity. Regardless of who it hurt I jumped at it. I went from being secure in my relationships, to questioning it at every bend of the road. I wasn’t foolish, I knew that with success stress surely would come I just didn’t think that stress would result in me being home all alone on a holiday.
“What do you want Ryder?” I asked answering the phone with so much attitude that I knew Satan was doing a little jig.
“Isla, why must you be this way every time I call you? It’s not becoming of a woman to be the way that you are when you have a man laying all that you desire at your footstep. You knew the ramifications of being with a successful man. Baby I’m rare!” Ryder stated
“Ryder, you’re not that damn rare so let’s just stop it there. I understand that you are busy but I hardly see you, if we are being real here I never see you only in passing and I’m just not ok with that. At this point I need more and I’m tired of the repetitive conversations about it. If I wanted to be lonely I could do that alone.” I declared
“I mean what did you expect? Did you expect me to sit around and stare at your ass all day like Tennyson? No I’m not that nigga baby!” He yelled but not before I heard a woman giggle in the background. I just know like hell his ass wasn’t out getting his dick wet while I was sitting at home.
“I know I just didn’t hear a bitch in the background when yo ass is supposed to be working. See what you’re not gonna do is have me sitting at home like some wack ass bitch while you are out doing what the fuck you want to do. I’m not the one or the two! Where the fuck are you at?” I yelled
“I’m at work, where else would I be? The bitch you hear is my secretary! Stop being so damn insecure. I’m all about you.” He moaned out
“See, I know yo muthafucking ass didn’t just call me while you fucking another bitch! You for real got me all types of fucked up. Since you out doing you remember not to shit bricks once you catch me doing me!” I spat out as I disconnected the call. If I was lucky I could make it down to Kituko Nyeusi before they closed. I wish I would sit around pouting when I could be at the club making my ass jump with my girls. Fuck Ryder!
When Isla left me for Ryder, initially I was hurt but I understood her plight. We were at a point where we needed to grow and bills needed to be paid. Yes we loved each other, but love wasn’t going to pay our bills. I just wish now that she saw Ryder wasn’t shit that love would be enough to bring her back. Yes he was successful in his own right, but in no way did that make it ok that he was cheating on my girl. The blogs always had him on their websites for one reason or another. But nothing made my skin boil more than watching the man that she left me for, get his dick sucked in the middle of the club by some random ass groupie. I honestly wanted to put his head through a wall, but that wasn’t my place. She made her choice and unfortunately this time I couldn’t protect her heart. She had to deal with the real reality that her inability to stick things out was why she could no longer count on my love. I couldn’t continue to hurt myself to fix her. All she had to do was remain patient and we would’ve been great. But no she was too consumed with looking at the green grass on the other side of the fence that she neglected to water her own. So I was cool on that.
“Tennyson we are low on Hennessy can you go grab some more. You know how niggas start acting when we run out. Last time they almost tore yo shit down.” My bartender called out
Before I could get down the hall to my office I felt slender arms wrap around my waist. The scent was familiar but it just couldn’t be true. Why would she show up here? Why now?
“Tennyson, baby can we talk?” I heard her angelic voice call out and I would be lying if I said the shit didn’t make me feel some type of way
“Yeah, doll follow me into my office.” I said trying to mask my emotions from her
“I know I was wrong but it was before I truly knew the depth of what I mean to you. I feared losing you, losing control, but I’m yours baby. Completely yours.” She pleaded
“Isla, I can’t in good faith go down this road with you again, you really hurt me doll.”
“Baby I want to give you the love you deserve. I saw the error of my ways I see the God in you and all my fears fall aside. That’s what makes me love you. I made the conscious decision to rise in love with you because I refused to fall. Falling is the equivalent of failing and that’s just something I didn’t see for us. You may not see it and you may not feel it but baby I’m telling you I love you for the both of us and I’ll be damned if I lose you now. I’m not beneath begging. Don’t make me beg baby.” She pleads while grabbing me by my waist pulling me close.
“No just no!” I said pushing her away “I just need time, if you care anything about me just give me that.”
After she took a moment to see if what I was saying was reflecting in my eyes her tears started to fall. As if it clicked that I couldn’t overcome the hurt she had caused when she walked out of my studio apartment that day, she kissed my lips and walked out of my office.
No matter how bad I wanted her to come back and fight, no matter how urgent I felt the need was to run after her, I knew that I couldn’t. Yes, people make mistakes but giving someone who was capable of damaging your heart the opportunity to do so again was downright foolish. So no she had to go. There had to be action in what you say. I had to feel your love and ultimately I didn’t feel it with her. So as much as it hurt to watch her walk away I had to let her. For if nothing else the sake of preserving everything that was great within me she had to go. She had to accept that the grass is never greener on the other side and if it is it’s lined with bullshit.